


i wish i could pretend to be (all the things you think you see in me)

by explows



Series: works i'm never completing [2]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Mild Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-29
Updated: 2017-04-29
Packaged: 2018-10-25 13:39:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10765353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/explows/pseuds/explows
Summary: au; haise is not kaneki and hide misses his best friend.





	i wish i could pretend to be (all the things you think you see in me)

**Author's Note:**

> title from awkward conversations by the front bottoms

It was a complete accident.

It wasn’t meant to happen. One minute Haise is nibbling at his shoulder and then next the name just slips out. And then Haise made this _face._ A face of absolute shock and – fuck – disgust, probably.

_“Kaneki.”_

Hide didn’t even mean to fucking say it. It just slipped out of his mouth. He’s not in love with Kaneki, he’s in love with _Haise_. He was caught in the heat of the moment and he couldn’t think straight and Haise was licking up his neck and _goddammit_ it wasn’t his fault.

Now, the kissing at his neck has stopped, the room dead silent, and Hide just wants the world to swallow him whole. He’s so fucking ashamed and a damn fucking fool. Haise is probably disgusted and wants nothing to do with him. Hide is so _ashamed._ He wants Haise to know he didn’t mean it. He’s sorry. He’s so sorry.

Haise rises his head up, just a bit, so he and Hide are facing each other, but Hide can’t even look him in the eyes. He wants to get off the bed and just run far away where nobody could ever get to him. Hide makes to get up, but Haise holds him back, Hide stuck laying on his back and not even being able to look his own boyfriend in the eye.

“Hey,” Haise whispers. It feels awkward. Hide’s face feels like it’s on fire. “Look at me.”

Haise nudges his nose to Hide’s cheek, and in any other _normal_ circumstance Hide would have nudged _his_ nose to Haise’s cheek too, but this isn’t under normal circumstances.

Hide might cry. He seriously might cry. His face is burning bright red, and his breathing is still un-even. He’s staring at the ceiling and everything is starting to blur which means he’s about to _cry_. Hide can’t fucking cry. Hide can’t fucking cry in front of the Haise. He’s so weak. Hide wants to be strong for Haise. But now, he’s embarrassed himself and just about ruined the moment. Suddenly, he feels small and he can’t stop thinking about Kaneki and _let’s go home –_

Hide feels like the room is closing in on him. Like it’s getting smaller and smaller, and hotter and hotter, suffocating him, mocking him.

Hide’s breathing must have picked up because Haise gently squeezes his hand, intertwining their fingers together before he kisses Hide’s forehead and tells him to “steady your breathing.”

The tears keep flowing, and all Hide can hear is ringing noises and the sound of Haise soothing voice whispering “It’s okay. It’s okay. I love you. It’s fine. I’m fine. It’s okay.” Hide releases a loud, ugly, sob that was caught up in his throat, and he rubs at his eyes but the tears just won’t stop. He realises he’s been mumbling, _“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. You’re Haise. Haise. Please.”_ His head hurts but all he wants to do is make Haise happy. He can’t even do that right. He couldn’t even say his name. Instead, he said Kaneki’s.

Hide knows he’s ruined the entire moment. The sex that was meant to happen. He knows he’s ruined it all. Haise probably thinks he’s disgusting, and Hide just wants to disappear and restart. He’s so fucking embarrassed. He doesn’t know how to get through any of this now. He just want to sleep. He’s so tired. Why can’t he just sleep?

“Hide,” Haise mumbles as he peppers kisses to all parts of Hide’s face, “please look at me.”

Hide may be embarrassed, but he’s so damn weak for Haise. So, so weak. He can already feel his walls breaking with each kiss Haise presses to his face. “Look at me, please.” And Haise sounds so small, and his hands feel so good on Hide’s face. Hide can feel himself melting. He gives in.

Once Hide’s eyes land on Haise’s, it’s like his whole world changes again. Haise’s looks so _wonderful_ with his soft eyes, a worried expression on his face. Haise has been so kind to him and Hide feels so ashamed to not give Haise all that he deserves, because truth be told, Haise deserves it all, but – fuck – he looks so much like Kaneki.

“It’s okay,” Haise whispers before his lips collide with Hide’s.

Haise breaks apart first, hands still holding onto Hide’s face. His forehead is resting against Hide’s, and it feels so good. Hide feels so good in this moment. Haise gives Hide a soft kiss on the forehead, before he sets Hide’s head gently down on a pillow. Hide feels so _humiliated_ to be babied, and humiliated to have said what he said to Haise. To have said someone else’s name. He just wants to forget about it.

“In the morning,” Haise starts as he shimmies off his trousers, “we’ll have a proper talk about this.”

Hide is about to protest, but Haise shushes him with a kiss to the lips before he lays down next to Hide. They’re both in their briefs, and Haise’s skin warms Hide’s straight away when Haise holds him, and just for a moment, Hide let’s himself believe he hasn’t completely fucked up.

 

 

“I –“

“I’m not him.” It’s the first thing Haise says. He’s confident, and determined, and his eyes don’t stray from Hide’s. “I’m sorry but. I can never be him. Me – Kaneki and I – we are different people. I’m not him anymore. I’m sorry.”

Hide swallows the lump in his throat. His head still hurts, and his eyes are stinging. Why are they stinging?

“Oh, Hide.” Haise sounds so sad, and only then does he realise it’s because Hide is crying. There are tears falling from his eyes.

Haise holds him close, and Hide buries himself into his neck. It feels like home. “I’m sorry, Haise,” Hide whispers, “it was an accident. I –“

“It’s okay.” Fuck – Hide doesn’t deserve this. Haise is so sweet to him. Haise is so lovely and gives his all to him and Hide fucking – ruins it. He can’t make him happy. He couldn’t make Kaneki happy, and now he can’t make Haise happy.

“No – No it’s not okay –“

“ _Hide, I love you_ ,” And shit – it hurts. It hurts because he looks so much like Kaneki, but Kaneki is gone. His best friend is gone, “Kaneki – he’s not here anymore but, I’m here. I’m here for you, Hide. I’m sorry I don’t – don’t know you the way Kaneki did but, I’d like to learn – well, re-learn – you all over again, if you’d let me.”

**Author's Note:**

> sorry this is written so terribly! i didn't want to waste all my kanehide fics , so i thought i'd post them! i still love kanehide very much!


End file.
